Mum Life: Smearing poo on the wall? You little–artist! *eye twitch*



ALLLLLL over the wall.

On the cot bed.

In the grooves.

On the mattress and pillow and covers.

Under the little brat’s darling’s nails.

In their hair. On their face.


True story.

And not just that one off time where it’s like the dawn of the apocalypse and it’s bad but it’s over and you can wake up from your nightmare now.


This happened AT LEAST ten times when my daughter was about two or three years old.

More times than that actually.

There was one period where nearly every morning I’d wake up, with that horrible dread locking my belly in a bear hug as I’d edge down the landing, nostrils flaring and preparing themselves to be assaulted by the god-awful stench that was my child’s nappy contents.

That smell. You never forget it.

And when you do smell the poo, you sag and sigh and hesitate because you know as soon as you open that bedroom door, you’ll see the horror inside. And you’re gonna have to get your hands dirty, whip out the cleaning products and soap your evil child up a hundred times, and still not be able to get that stink of poo out of their hands.

WHY DO THEY DO IT? You ask me. Well, I don’t bloody know!

Maybe it feels nice and squishy? Maybe they want to paint the walls and are fresh out of paint. Maybe they’re a genius doing some sort of scientific experiment that us mere mortals cannot understand.

My daughter, now five, did mention it in a ‘Oh remember that time when—blahblahblahpooonwallsblah—so  funny—har har’ moment and I asked her why. She said ‘I wanted to be an artist’. So I’m gonna go with that.

And I tried to make her nappy inaccessible. We tried EVERYTHING. Even duct taping it shut. She always managed to get to the poo. The only time we achieved success and she couldn’t get to it, was when we bought onesies that have a button at the top and a zip. We’d put the onesie on so that the zip was at the back and she couldn’t reach it. That didn’t stop her trying. She’d wriggle her shoulders and then the rest of her out of the small head opening more than once like a freaky hamster child, but we’d catch her more times than not before she did any damage. Eventually.

So I’d say to you, if your kid likes to explore their nappy and on more than one occasion you haven’t got to them in time to change their nappy after they’ve pooed, I’d invest in a good onesie that is IMPENETRABLE. And maybe some wipe-proof paint.

You’re welcome.

*thinks back to the past*


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